Stress Archives

Let go and just be even in the midst of thunderstorms

July 6, 2018 by Sara Jane Lowry

Recently there have been severe thunderstorms and heavy rains that caused the power to go out for short and long hours of time. I was given an opportunity to experience an unusual amount of time to just be quiet: let go and just be.

At first, it was difficult. I tried to read but it was too dark. There was no hum of equipment. The silence was only interrupted by rain and thunder. After an hour, I found myself being able to “see” from a quiet place that my external self was struggling to let go and just be in the moment.

Our lives are full of lists, of rushing, about, of filling every moment with something. So what happens when the power goes out, and we can’t fill out time and space with doing? We say we want peace of mind, relief from stress, relaxation but when given those things, we feel anxious and fidgety. We have lost the ability to just be.

Can you let go and just be?

How addicted are we to our phones and other media devices? Can we take a step back internally, and distance ourselves for a moment and ask – is this really living? Are we fully present to those around us? Or even to ourselves? It’s a crazy addiction to respond to every beep and every interruption. We are constantly in response mode or consumer of information mode. Is this truly living?

I have a few coaching clients that even during a session can hardly keep themselves from checking their phones. Even as they are working to transform something about their lives – they cannot resist. But when would that transformation happen in relation to the constant interruptions to which they are compelled to respond?

So, today, just try and take a few moments to reach for clarity, to stop self-sabotaging your life and goals, to create instead of responding, to breathe instead of doing, and just be. You might discover a new you and a new peace of mind.

If you want, you can read more about choosing mindfulness versus lists here. Another wonderful in-depth resource is The Art of Mindfulness: why mindfulness matters.

Or if you want to let go and just be, try listening to some thunder and rain by clicking here.

Negative self-talk is a habit you can break

November 2, 2017 by Sara Jane Lowry

Stop sign to end negative self-talk

Negative self-talk – stop the habit.

All of us are subject to negative self-talk in the form of an inner critic. And that inner critic can talk faster than we can externally: 1300 words to our 200 words. Some of our self-talk is about things outside us. For example, when we find our lost keys, we might say to ourselves, “There they are.” But another part of our inner dialogue is about ourselves. For example, when we can’t find the keys, we might say something like, “You idiot; you’re always losing things.”

Self-talk is a habitual way of responding to our experience and unfortunately, it often takes the form of an inner critic who is very negative and pessimistic. For example, if you feel like you’re not getting the contract, the promotion, or the new job, your inner voice might say something like, “You’ll never get anywhere. You don’t know what you’re doing. Every time you try something, you fail.” Or, you assume someone else’s behavior or actions are about you and have a negative meaning. For example, if someone you know doesn’t greet you at the store, your inner voice asks, “Why did I do? They are rude.” Or, “they don’t like me. I just can’t win.”

Negative thoughts make you feel anxious, sad or hopeless. These feelings, in turn, make it difficult to act constructively. And preoccupation with your negative emotions may even intensify them and trigger more negative thinking.

How our negative self-talk triggers our behavior

There are three ways our negative self-talk manifest in behavior:

Overgeneralization or Catastrophizing
Drawing a broad conclusion based on a single incident or insufficient evidence.
Jumping to Conclusions (Mind Reading)
Assuming we know what others are thinking and feeling.
Shoulds
Using inflexible rules about how we or others should act. We feel guilty when we violate these rules.

Confronting negative self-talk patterns

In order to confront our negative self-talk, we need to take some steps.

Creating Distance

We can start by creating a bit of distance from them in order to recognize when and where we are having them. This means some self-reflection is necessary, and it can be done through journaling about your day and noticing your most extreme moments that you notice. Pay special attention to when you are exhausted or feeling depressed about your day because the self-talk at those points is a clue to your habitual thoughts. In creating distance, you can ask yourself whether you’re seeing things in a balanced way of both positive and negative experiences in our lives.

Testing reality of the self-talk

The next step is to begin to test the reality of the thoughts. In order to test whether your automatic thoughts are valid, ask yourself what is the evidence for and against your thoughts. Try writing down the evidence, both pro and con, to help you gain some distance from your thoughts as you become curious about whether things are as bleak as you think. For example, if your thought is “Things are always a mess in my life” you might list on the pro side the times when things were going smoothly and successfully.

Seeing alternative options, or “coming back to reality”

If you worked through the first 2 steps, you will arrive at an alternative interpretation of your experience (if you refuted the thought) or a more balanced thought that summarizes the valid points for and against (if the evidence was mixed).

By being curious about our self-talk, rather than refuting or indulging it, we can learn to see our situation in an accurate, yet hopeful, manner, and move our habits of thought toward more realistic reality. From there we can begin to practice positive self-talk.

You have the power to change negative self-talk. Take a month-long journey to reprogramming your mind with tips delivered to you daily, and change your self-talk from negative to positive. Please sign up today and take back your mind.

What does mindfulness have to do with success?

April 30, 2017 by Sara Jane Lowry

multitasking is not mindful

Mindfulness is key to success – busyness is not

Today I talked with a small group of women entrepreneurs about the importance of mindfulness in their day. One of the women described her day. It includes running from phone call to a meeting to picking up kids. Followed by making dinner, answering emails to creating a presentation. Her day consists of checking off tasks and activities as she went as she juggles a burgeoning business and a young family. She shared that emotionally she feels drained and overwhelmed. And yet, every day she thinks she was being successful: “I am accomplishing a great deal and something useful seems to be getting done, and I am getting lots of positive press for my business.”

Is this how you measure success?

We spent some time in practicing some mindfulness pauses. She revealed that she was equating a busy schedule and positive reviews with a happy life. She began to notice that she was never fully present in any momen mindfulness begins the day t or activity, already skipping ahead mentally to the next thing. “I’m simply going from meeting to activity on my daily schedule,” she said, “but I’m not really there.” I’m driving my kids while thinking about my last meeting, and looking at a paper for my next conversation. I never have enough time to focus on the next innovation needed in my business. Then it’s time to put the kids to bed, and stay up till midnight responding to emails and preparing my presentation that’s in two days. I fall into bed at night just to wake up the next morning and start all over. I’m exhausted.”

By recognizing how much time we spend in a mental state known as continuous partial attention, we deprive ourselves of fully living. We feel anxious about more complex situations as we don’t take the time to give it our full attention. We seem to expect ourselves to multitask, efficiently answering emails while on a conference call. Sound familiar?

Ghosting, the opposite of mindfulness

I call this ‘ghosting,’ where one’s form appears to be solidly present but the life force inside is vapory and permeable, hovering around the edges of your life. And when you’re in this state of being, you lose touch. You no longer know what motivated you in the first place. You don’t recognize the person you envisioned yourself to be as the lead in your own life. But now, there are others who depend on you.

So how can you choose differently?

This requires a change in your beliefs about success norms. As a culture, everyone tries to copy and reengineer what we observe as success with others we admire. But that is often a focus on the past which had its own circumstances, rules, norms, and relationships. Comparing our lives, choices, relationships, successes to another can be a learning experience. But it can also be a slippery slope to devaluing the uniqueness of your own market, relationships, expertise and intuition. In being focused, you allow your own creativity and relationships develop new choices that enrich your life and fit your goals. two paths - mindfulness or multitasking

So where does mindfulness fit in this?

When you bring your full attention into the present moment, you become alert. You hold an inner focus – a fuller consciousness of what responses you can choose to challenges that are being presented in this moment. Or, you may begin to hear the sounds around you, take note of the day and weather, or the aches in your body. As you pay attention to your breath, bringing your awareness more into your body, you release a bit of what has been so important just the moment before. In that moment, a more fully conscious recognition of what is real and what is “drama” becomes possible. You begin to register what your arguments for and against the situation are as your values and beliefs arise. It may include an arising of your instincts or intuition, your “knowing” of what should happen next. You are able to listen more fully to your business partner. Or you find yourself enjoying your child’s recitation about the field trip experience today. In that moment, you can respond fully rather than react or push away these moments as distractions not on your checklist.

Mindfulness is a moment by moment practice

Creating a better future is dependent on the seeds you plant in the present moment. Planting seeds requires a full and complete acceptance of the present moment, one without judgement. Being present in this way helps you to have clarity about where to focus. And being nonjudgmental allows you to have compassion for yourself, and be more fully you in any moment. No more ghost, but rather a full present human. So here you are. Can you pause in your hurried, complicated, and entangled life to be present in this moment? You can begin by stopping and focusing on your breath. Where do you feel it in your body? In your nostrils? Can you just focus there for this moment now?

Mindfulness is the key to an enriching life and successful leadership.

If you need help learning how to use mindfulness to be more fully you, you can visit: http://www.freemindfulness.org/download for free audio recordings. Sometimes it’s helpful to work with a mindfulness coach – if that’s you, please reach out for a session at https://sarajanelowry.com/contact.html. I work with individuals and leaders to bring mindfulness into their lives and work.